first i should preface this blog by stating i know absolutely nothing about death and/or dying. no matter how old i may be. and please allow me to point out i am in fact older today than i have ever been in my life. but still far from death, though alas, not far enough. although there are many instances when my mind wanders off to some foreign territory of my imagination and i believe for an instant i am already dead. but according to modern science and any ammount of so-called common sense, these thoughts would be constricted to mere imagination. i am actually looking forward to living my life, and learning whatever meanings i can make of it. perhaps i have just turned my life into a giant puzzle of sorts. a classic jigsaw puzzle with a so far and possibly infinitely unknown number of pieces. the pieces from my childhood are larger and simple, and fit easily into one another with the ease of a summer day. shaped by imaginings of unicorns and the hopes of one day being able to find a real one. the dissections of the pieces becoming more intricate as i age. more complex and metaphorical; and with the metaphors and logic of experience, the lack of unicorns and dreams, this whimsical task becomes more of a frustrating attempt. the innocence of youth is lost, the keen eye which sees meaning in the number of petals on a flower. replaced by a more experienced and logical facade. and im lost in amongst the pieces. struggling now to make some kind of meaning, a recognizable pattern out of the memories and fragments i have set before me. to discern what is worth adding to complete the picture, or where it should go. and as far as death is concerned...who is to say this puzzle was meant as anything more than a mindless form of preoccupation during our lives. something to entertain us. and nothing more. and when i die the pieces will be scattered through the void. and every experience and thought and love and trial will vanish into the void with me. i see the end of life as a valid fear. afterall, is my jigsaw so valuable that no fate shall ever destroy it? am i immune from some ethereal cat jumping onto my table and scattering my pieces? all i can wish is that my strewn pieces will become part of many puzzles to follow. until then, my fingers remain cold and numb and smell of garlic(because i had pizza for lunch).